There's something about yesterdays

I often think back to my past to try to motivate myself. I've needed a lot of motivation lately so I've been doing a lot of thinking. My past, my past's past, my present, and holy hell what will the future bring. Perhaps I'm thinking too much and this is one of the issues I've been having. Something is wrong inside me. Maybe I just need to get it all out. I don't know.

Let's see... today is February 12, 2012. One year ago I was just about to move out of a crappy roommate situation into an apartment with my not-quite-year long boyfriend. What a scary situation, but things had worked out well for us so far and we were pretty sure we were set for a future so, why not? Luckily that's worked out so far. I was also behind in my training for my first 5k that my work was putting on in May. By behind in training I mean I had run a mile maybe once or twice (seriously, that's it) in my life and had only gone as far as to commit to the race. I managed to train for that race in under 8 weeks and the fitness bug has caught me ever since. Thinking back, it's been a great year and I'm so lucky to have the people that I've had to share it with and to be in a relationship with someone who actually supports me doing new and exciting things (and loves to do them himself!).

Two years ago will bring us to February 2010. I had moved in with my estranged husband for a few months and we were considering working things out, though it was clear it wasn't going to happen and he started seeing someone else while I lived there so February brought me to looking quickly for a new home for me and my three girls. I settled on a shady apartment in a bad part of town with an old friend and her daughter and as bad as that sounds, it was so much better than the abusive situation I was in. I'll admit I went a little crazy with the drinking and partying at first. I didn't know what to do with myself with all that had happened to me and my roommate was, and I fear always will be, a partyer.  Still, much like now I didn't get out much and was forced to go out for some me time by my roommate and pseudo roommate (some how another person moved in in this time) to go to visit a bartender friend all by myself. Fun- NOT! That's the strange night that I did what I said I never would do and met a guy and gave him my number and when he called, I called back, and after many an adventure, we're still together. That year wasn't great all the time, but it was a pretty damn good building block.

Now we have three years ago. Come February I was about six months pregnant I suppose, living in my mom's house alone with my two oldest girls. My husband had left me there when I was two months pregnant to fend for myself while he went out and partied. That year was when I started getting stronger. I had no choice but to depend solely on myself to take care of the kids, work and make money, do everything around the house, including lugging firewood constantly for the wood stove. That was the only pregnancy I didn't gain too much weight. I started walking a lot to clear my head. I suppose that's when the exercise bug might have really started. Eating healthy was an idea that began coming around also, since I didn't want to gain the 80 pounds I had in my first pregnancy. This year was a good foundation if I can look at it like that.

Since I'm not going to go on through my whole life backwards year by year I'll sum up a few of the years prior to the ones I described. Alcohol and drugs were a problem after high school and it wasn't until a year after I had my first daughter that I began to smarten up. I began leaving behind the bad influences in my life and finally tried to get on track. Eventually I left the long relationship I had with my daughter's father and that was one of the biggest things I did in my life. My mom is still proud of me for that one. Unfortunately he got replaced Dr. Jekyll and after I got pregnant and soon before our wedding Mr. Hyde came out. There was more wrong in that relationship for me to ever know what I thought was right. He had a lot of people fooled, but I was the last one to finally figure out the truth. The funny thing is that while he left me in September 2008, it wasn't until I finally filed for divorce myself in April 2010 that I was free. He still tried to claim me as his and I even had to change my name from my kids because he was still calling me part of him with his name.

Looking back through the years is very motivating to me when I see what I have over come and seeing the little changes every year that have made a completely new and more satisfied me. I messed up a lot and I will pay for my mistakes forever, but little by little I can change and make improvements and give myself the life that I deserve.

So there's a little bit of my yesterdays, which has helped shaped my todays, and my tomorrows next year better be telling the same story of building blocks, with another addition to my great arena. (Currently I envision my life to be built into an arena- HA!)